Honor: 54 [ Give / Take ]
20 entries this month
23:28 Jul 31 2009
Times Read: 910
I *might* be going to meet a friend off of here next week in PA. I'm not sure. I'm thinking about it.
I would have to go by myself. The weight of everything with my Grandma and best friend is getting to me.
But would I be able to forgive myself if someone needed me and I wasn't here?
I wasn't there when my Uncle Jeff died. My mom couldn't get a hold of Brett and me since we were at a friend's house. I've never forgiven myself about that. I'm closer to my Grandmother. What happens if she starts to go and I'm over an hour away?
22:48 Jul 30 2009
Times Read: 911
I got some bad news from my mom about my Grandma. There are things happening and my Grandma has taken a turn for the worse this morning.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me. That's not why I write in here. Hell, I don't write a lot in here because I don't want other people's pity.
Anyway, I pushed myself way too hard today with the wii fit. I did 45 minutes of nothing but basically aerobics. I feel so out of it now. I didn't warm up and I didn't wind down. I just wanted to get out my anger, my depression, the feelings of wanting to harm myself, and everything negative.
I can say that I do feel better now. I got a bubble bath... a nice, hot, too tired not to relax bubble bath.
Here's a picture of how I looked before I actually got my bubble bath:
And also I got a couple of pictures last night. I tell my friends and family about my baby up here and also my kitty that always looks sad. Well here they are!
This is Shadow Dancer.
She's the one we saved from an abusive home. We kind of took her.
And here's my Gemini.
She's my oh so sad, kitty. She is my kitten and I'm hoping not to get rid of her. I always fall for those sad eyes.
Dandelion Wishes
15:42 Jul 30 2009
Times Read: 915
I haven't been logged out once since this morning. Maybe it was a fluke with my computer or something. Who knows!
I wanted to put something personal and positive in here. So since I just shared something with my coven, I decided to share a little bit more here.
I started a new personal journal. It's got dandelion seeds floating away on it and even says on the front, "Every day is a gift from God." I know a lot of people I've talked to on here don't believe in a god. I believe in something. I'm just not sure what.
I love going to church though since the atmosphere is so uplifting. I really want to start going back. I'm wondering if I can convince Brett for this Sunday!
But anyway, in my journal in the front. This was my very first entry:
" I think I need something more right now then my regular journal. There's so much going on, I'm pretty sure I've gotten lost in my own mind and my own thoughts. I want so many things but I'm so confused to get anything done. I'm lost and I need to find myself and figure out what I want from life. I want more than to just exist. I want my life to be meaningful.
Because of all of this, I want this journal to be a collection of my dreams, wants, and wishes. I want to be able to see on paper what it is that I am after. I also want to be able to look back and say with confidence some of my dreams have come true!"
Maybe as I continue to keep this journal, I will post some of my entries on here. It would be nice to see them here. I'm sure some people might see this as silly but it's helping me. That's all that matters. I actually think it would help a lot more people if they tried it and were completely honest with it all.
:-)
Maybe I'll write more later. Right now, I need to get back to my ciminal justice homework.
12:20 Jul 30 2009
Times Read: 916
Is anyone else having problems with staying logged into VR. Every few pages I click, I get logged off again.
00:33 Jul 30 2009
Times Read: 929
Why is it I find some guys backs to be the sexist part of their body? And why do I get turned on by a guy sweating insanely without it being from sex?
And here's a picture of me trying to cool down a little after my wii fit workout...
God, I'm down to 250.9 pounds according to the balance board. Brett's at 204, I think.
He came home from his classes in a good mood. That's scary in itself, the fact that it has lasted is even more amazing.
I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, the fact that I said we're done might have helped the whole situation a little bit.
I'm not deciding to get back together for at least two weeks at the very least. I don't care what else goes on. If he can't put the effort forth, we can't communicate, and we're both fighting with each other again... it's not going to happen and we're going to have to figure something out.
15:30 Jul 29 2009
Times Read: 940
After writing the previous journal entry, Brett and I had fought all morning. I went for an angry walk by myself and came back just to try to work something out with him.
I made up my mind. Until something changes, we're done. I'm not dealing with it anymore.
I don't want to be with anyone else right now but I can't deal with the constant fighting and anger. It's not healthy for me and sure as hell isn't healthy for Aurora.
We're living like roommates. Because right now we're both in college and I really don't want to try to explain to Aurora that daddy is living somewhere else. Especially when old grandma is about to die sometime soon and Courtney is up in the air.
I'm not going to be fighting with him over and over about the same things every damn morning. I'm tired of it.
He didn't even know about the hole in my shoe for the past two weeks. Or that I have been going for a walk every day he's been home in the morning by myself. He hasn't been asking about my homework or even been considerate about it. Even though I always ask him how his classes have gone.
I'm tired of feeling like he doesn't even care about me. To feel like someone doesn't care to the point that someone outside could kill me and they wouldn't shed a tear is not a good feeling.
I know it's not true but it's how I've felt for the past two weeks.
Hell, he doesn't even know how I feel about my Grandma dying of cancer. Or how I feel about my best friend who was diagnosed with cancer.
It seems like he doesn't know anything about me anymore. God, all he would have to do is get on VR for 10 minutes to read my journal and he would know about most of what's going through my mind.
Yet there's no effort!
We might get back together when there is effort but for now, it's done.
It pretty pathetic that I've had enough to call it quits. And it's even sadder to feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my chest just by actually saying I'm declaring us over for now.
I'm already up, cleaning, playing with Aurora, and doing my homework. I think this is the best I've felt in a way. I feel determined.
Oh and I'm trying to take vitamins every day. I haven't done so since I was pregnant. It's the OneADay Energy ones. I need something that will help me get some energy since I've been feeling so out of it. This one was actually recommended by my doctor's office for the reasons why I need it.
Hopefully it helps a Tiffy get her spunk back!
12:41 Jul 29 2009
Times Read: 951
So here I am, left alone and crying. I don't even know what I did wrong but I must have done something. Otherwise he wouldn't be mad at me or irritated or whatever he is.
I'm tired of this... morning after morning, day after day... when am I going to do something right in his eyes. When am I going to do something that makes him happy instead of nothing but anger and irritation showing through everyday.
Why can't I do anything right?
And why the hell do I deal with this every damn day? Maybe because I know there's something wrong with me, I don't know what but there must be, right? Otherwise this cycle wouldn't bee repeated so much during one day.
19:36 Jul 28 2009
Times Read: 961
We just got rid of one of our kittens. I'm upset and crying, of course. I made Brett let Aurora and Tyler go with us so they could meet the people taking him and also say goodbye to him. They have a baby and a toddler about 3 years old. I really did like them and so did Sandy. That makes me feel a little bit better.
Courtney got released today and is on her way home. They know what kind of cancer she has but since they don't know where it's coming from, they're running more tests. If they don't find anything out, they're going to start her on a treatment of chemo and have it attack everywhere in her body. I don't know whether it's good news or bad that she's coming home. I really wish they would find out where it's coming from but at least we and her other friends can visit her. She'll also be able to get online when she wants and what not.
17:47 Jul 27 2009
Times Read: 966
I don't want to deal with this! I want to hide in the closet and force myself to believe the outside world doesn't exist. Brett just made me an appointment for my psychiatrist.
We found out what kind of cancer Courtney has. She has small-cell cancer and it's spreading throughout her body fast. They still don't know where it's coming from.
The good news is she's being discharged for now from the hospital today. She's going to be home by tonight. I'm hoping to stop up there in the next few days.
On a just as bad note, my Grandmama is not doing good. She's not allowed getting out of bed on her own now, not even to use the potty chair that's about a foot away. They want her to start on the morphine. She's not wanting to eat again and she's getting really weak.
I feel like I'm losing so much so quickly. I've already taken so many nerve pills today. I can't stop crying since I talked to Courtney about 20 minutes ago. Just hearing the panic in her voice is enough to make me want to hide. Facing the reality of her situation is making me want to give up on everything around me.
I don't know if I can do this.
22:54 Jul 26 2009
Times Read: 975
Okay, I know I'm going to probably feel really bad about this later but I'm pretty sure no one knows how I'm feeling.
I lost my Uncle Jeff to cancer. I'm losing my Grandmama to cancer. Both of which I was and am just as close as I am with Courtney.
But they got to live their lives!
I have loved this girl since I saw her at school and talked to her. We've been friends since ninth grade. She has never had a normal life! She couldn't even go to school and had to be home schooled because she would pass out in school and need to be rushed to the hospital in Columbus by ambulance for dialysis and also for blood transfusions at times.
I've been there when she was trying to deal with going blind and being told she would probably never see again. I can't even imagine how she felt or how she feels about that!
I love her so much and now she's in as much pain as I watched my dad suffer through every damn day of his life!
How can I accept that my best friend who never got to live their life has the possibility of dying?
Brett and I were talking yesterday that I could even feel better about a 7 year old getting diagnosed with cancer and dying a month later. That child got to be a child! They got to play with other kids, they experienced school! They got to do so many things that I've never seen Court get to experience.
I swear she's been robbed!
_____________________________________
I drove over 100 miles yesterday to and from Columbus just to see my best friend lying in a bed suffering from pain and not even able to eat. I couldn't even do anything.
I can't even step outside the door without hesitation. I doubt anyone knows how I felt yesterday or how I feel period.
I drove off the damn interstate yesterday in a horrible storm that I was going less than 20 MPH. I almost hit a semi because of it too!
Yet, I didn't turn around even though I wanted to and even though I was crying so hard from being scared.
My point, no one knows how other people feel.
Everyone's hell is different base on their worse fears. And no one on here knows what mine are or what I've been through!
Don't tell me you know how I feel!
18:29 Jul 26 2009
Times Read: 981
Okay, so I guess I should write about what's going on finally. Courtney, my best friend, is in the hospital. She's got cancer and they're thinking that might be what caused her blindness and why the back shunt didn't bring back any sight for her.
It was hard to visit her yesterday. She's in horrible pain to the point she's on liquid morphine and she's still having pain. She doesn't want to do anything. It's not like her at all. She can't even sit up in bed and it's hard for her to really do anything.
They said they would let her come home until they find out where the cancer is coming from but only if she feels better. She can't even keep her pills down, let alone most food. All she ate yesterday was a little bit of chips and that's it. The day before that about three bites of a cheeseburger.
Her mom hasn't left her side. She's always at the hospital. We hope Court gets to come home soon but not if in a day or two she has to go back up, 2 hours away, to stay in the hospital again.
They found a spot on her liver. But it's not the primary source. They can't do any kind of treatment plan for her until they find the primary hot spot.
I feel like crap. I'm so scared of losing her. I'm terrified to pick up the phone in fear of hearing her mom tell me she's gone.
I can deal with my grandma dying of cancer. She's 75 years old and most of all, she has no pain from it. I could deal with the situation when my Uncle Jeff died... he was 40-something and he's lived. Our family friend, John, is in his late thirties and he's only got one or two more treatments left before his is in remission.
I can't deal with Courtney having it. I feel so lost. She's not even 21 years old yet. She's always been in the hospital. She's always been sick for one reason or another. She's never been able to live any part of her life. Hell, she can't even stay out of the hospital for a year.
I know she can beat this though. She's stronger then anyone I know. She just has to decide she wants to live. I love her so much and I'm going to be by her side for all of this, no matter how much it scares me.
14:02 Jul 25 2009
Times Read: 994
We're heading to Columbus pretty soon. My aunt is watching Aurora for us while we go. I feel like crap and I'm trying to stay strong. I already know what's going to happen....
One of us are going to start crying and then we're both going to start.
It's just one of those things with best friends.
Court Court, I love you. I know you can make it through this. Throughout it all, we'll have each other. Who needs boys? LOL!
PRIVATE ENTRY
23:28 Jul 21 2009
Times Read: 1,005
• • • • PRIVATE JOURNAL ENTRY • • • •
Thoughts of the Night
06:46 Jul 17 2009
Times Read: 1,021
It's my first night without my Ambien and of course, I can't sleep. I've tried like crazy but I might as well just stay up and clean my ass off since Aurora will be up in about 4 hours.
*sighs*
Brett finally went to bed. He couldn't stay up with me any longer. I got a lot done today.
I'm actually thinking about looking in the Green Tab around here for some bookcases for our hallway closet and a couple of other things.
I haven't seen my grandma since Monday when I got the surgery on my mouth done. I feel bad about that but I have been calling. I know Tyler's wanting to come up and stay too but even the slightest noise is killing my head.
Aurora can count to three now! Yay! She's learning to be such a little butt! LOL! She can say so many things. I feel good about her manners developing so much though! It's great to know my daughter loves to share her toys and books! It's also great knowing she's already trying to say please and thank you.
We ended up getting her a plastic tote for all of her toys in her room. She destroyed her other toy box. She actually box the wood in half after bending the hinges so much Brett and I had to take the lid off of it. She's mad that she's not able to break this tote! We're keeping the lid out and when she's bad, we're giving her a time out with no toys. That's not often though.
She got mad at me today for telling her it was nap time and telling her I was going to go ahead and clean. She hit me in the face with her one hourglass toy. My face is bruised and I feel horrible because I screamed from the pain. It was where two teeth got pulled and immediately caused bleeding so badly. I know I scared her. It wasn't her fault.
I'm going to go and start cleaning again so maybe I can sleep sometime today later on since Brett doesn't have anywhere to be this day of the week...
I'm thinking later next week of taking Aurora and Tyler to the zoo. I'm not sure. It would cost less then $20 for all of us though. I think they would enjoy it. I know I would! LOL!
Later.
14:43 Jul 16 2009
Times Read: 1,028
I'm so tired of the salt water rinse at least four times a day. It burns to hell and back. I really hope that hole to my jawbone heals quickly. I got a drink of pop yesterday and some of it got up in there. I started crying immediately trying to not freak out from the burning since we were in the car with Aurora.
We're paying my step dad and my mom back some money in the next week. Along with Brett's dad too since they're having a hard time.
:-)
Yeah, Brett's been cleaning once in a while now to help me out!
It's really nice for everything not to fall on me now!
We paid all our bills. We're actually a little ahead. Shh! Don't tell no one! *knocks on wood*
The Day After
01:26 Jul 15 2009
Times Read: 1,044
I've been so out of it today. Brett had my Aunt Crystal watch Aurora today while he was in his classes since I couldn't even stand up this morning or talk. I woke up a lot not knowing where I was. I still can't feel my lips and I look worst than yesterday.
I haven't really been able to eat. This morning it took me about 2 hours just to eat half of a banana. I can eat some junior mints, which have been calming my stomach down some. And I feel so pathetic since every time I go to take a drink of my powerade or something, I almost always spill some on me.
On top of that, my face is so freakin' oily from it being so swollen. It looks like I have mumps or something.
I hate medication. Even though I'm having pain that's making me cry, I've only taken one of my pain pills today and two yesterday. I hate taking anything that I don't think I should have to.
I'm trying to become alert enough that tomorrow I can get my work done for my classes. I can't concentrate at all today and I keep on falling asleep and jerking myself back awake. The littlest of noises is killing my head.
I can honestly say, I'm so happy someone could watch Aurora today. I don't think I could have done it.
01:56 Jul 14 2009
Times Read: 1,053
I feel like shit. I got six teeth out today. I have a hole that goes to my jawbone on the top wisdom tooth. It feels like I'm trying to cut my tongue out every time I breathe, drink, talk, or try to eat. I'm not allowed spitting the blood out so I've been swallowing it. I'm sick to my stomach from it.
Here's the before picture, taken yesterday on the train ride I went on with my mom, my nephew, Brett and Aurora.
And here is a picture I just took. Keep in mind that I've had ice and things on my face since getting out of there. Some of the swelling has gone down.
To top it all off, I think the damn oral surgeon took out half a tooth he wasn't supposed to. Either that or he put in a partial that he never had my permission for! I'm pissed!
I'm going to lay down since I'm getting light headed again. Later.
03:01 Jul 13 2009
Times Read: 1,060
Mr. Fishy killed 41 snails that I have found so far tonight in his tank. Out of over 55 snails, I've only found 5 that were still alive or in question. I'm hoping to see any of them on the sides.
*pouts*
You know, first he killed another goldfish when we first got him. Now, he has murdered over 40 snails.
How do you punish a goldfish?!
On a side note: Tomorrow around noon I'm going to be going into surgery to get six teeth removed. Three of which are my wisdom teeth. I don't have a fourth and it never existed. I'm happy they are putting me to sleep!
Also the reason why I need my bottom two wisdom teeth out is they are not growing up and down but forward. They are literally putting so much pressure on my other teeth that my other teeth are weakening and crumbling. My bottom teeth are pushed out and crooked now because of it and no one caught it earlier.
I've been having severe jaw pain and ear aches for over a month now. My ear even bled a little in all of this. It was my mom who convinced me to go to the dentist finally. Two of the teeth coming out tomorrow are just exposed roots. One of them has an exposed nerve. That one is in the front too. Everyone keeps asking me if I'm getting a partial or implant for that tooth and I have no intrigue about even looking into it.
My dentist has even said before I'm 35 years old, I will probably have to get all my teeth surgically removed. My daddy had all of his out before he even turned 29 years old. I feel lucky! LOL! And my mom's side has bad teeth in the line. I don't really see the big deal in it though. It's a part of life and it's just like males losing their hair. Why is everyone making a big deal?
I'm more scared about the word surgery and being put to sleep!
02:32 Jul 11 2009
Times Read: 1,070
Chewing tobacco tastes horrible!
Who's ready for a kiss?!
00:27 Jul 04 2009
Times Read: 1,099
I haven't really been on the past couple of days more then 30 minutes. I've been actually relaxing doing other things, working on homework, and working on Brett and me. It's weird him wanting sex and me not since I'm depressed most of the time. Yesterday was the first time in a long time I forced him to talk to me about his own feelings and he felt like when I was in Nashville with him. He felt what was considered normal for us.
I also got to order two books for myself off of amazon. I didn't have to pay either since I earned enough points on a search engine site to get $10 in gift certificates.
:-)
I really need to get the rest of my work done. Later peoples.
COMMENTS
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DreamlessNight
08:21 Aug 01 2009
Who is this friend?
They are very lucky to get a visit from you.
DireConsequences
11:34 Aug 01 2009
Hmm...
I'm not sure who they are. I better watched out!
I might end up getting my eyeball licked!